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Where was Kanye West when you needed him?  Perhaps he could have mitigated some of the Taylor-phoria at the 52nd annual Grammy Awards, which many people are complaining was more like the Country Music Awards, what with the Zac Brown Brand (who?) winning for best new artist.

Ricky Martin—did you get the heat you asked for twice?

Kaley Cuoco—was your dress on backwards?

Bon Jovi—why did the fan-chosen “Living on a Prayer” only run about 1:30? Always leave them wanting more, I guess.

Beyonce—did you really grab your crotch?

Whichever Jonas brother—do glasses make you look more mature? It kinda worked.

Lionel Richie—can you read the teleprompter a little more smoothly or memorize your intro better? It distracted from the significance of what you were saying.

Kings of Leon—maybe not so many shots before the show next time. This isn’t the Golden Globes.

The record books are re-arranging the rankings, moving “Gunsmoke” down a notch and elevating “The Simpsons.”

Yes, Sunday night at 8 p.m. marks a special moment in television history: “The Simpsons” will officially celebrate its 20th anniversary, becoming the longest-running scripted primetime show ever.

Many people may not recall that the animated yellow family made its debut as interstitials on Fox’s “The Tracey Ullman Show” in 1989. The series itself premiered on the fledgling Fox network in January 1990, thanks to Barry Diller’s foresight and green light.

Not only did the show become a runaway hit, but creator Matt Groening’s crudely drawn Simpson family — dad Homer, mom Marge, kids Bart and Lisa and baby Maggie — almost instantly became pop culture icons.

In addition to the anniversary episode, viewers will get an extra treat Sunday night at 8:30 p.m.: an original hour-long documentary directed by Morgan Spurlock called “The Simpsons 20th Anniversary Special in 3-D on Ice.”

It’s not in 3-D and it’s not on ice, but Spurlock (of “Super Size Me” fame) and his crew traveled around the world to shoot it, exploring the international love affair with all things Simpson. “There’s a whole brand new audience,” the director told me. “It’s become multigenerational. We wouldn’t have had other animated shows on primetime if not for ‘The Simpsons.’ They’ve really changed the game.”

(You can check out a preview clip and hear the amusing “Homer Simpson Mr. Plow Theme Song” created by Moby here.)

Alongside the series, “The Simpsons” is an incredibly profitable business enterprise all to itself, raking in millions of dollars from licensing and merchandising.

If you didn’t ever have a Bart T-shirt or know someone who did, you must have been under a rock these past two decades.

And don’t forget the movie, the ride, the DVDs, the Stephen Hawking toy, the games, the U.S. postage stamps—and Marge’s Playboy cover last November to promote the cleverly-named episode “The Devil Wears Nada.”

D’oh. Congratulations, Simpsons enterprise, and may you have many more seasons of bringing the funny.

Still pondering the surprising news that the Emmys could be in for some competition—and after the initial knee-jerk reaction of “Oh, great, another awards show,” coming around to the notion that it’s probably a good idea. The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences is one of the few award-granting entities that have an open field with no other awards competition anywhere near its time slot. The show has been airing in recent years anywhere from late August to late September, making it the first major kudo-fest of the season—by a long shot—and the only one to occur in summer.  It’s invariably 90+ degrees at Emmy time, and the red carpet is full of cocktail-length dresses—and sweat stains.   But the hottest accessory is taking home a golden statuette, and without a doubt, the Emmys are definitely the king of the castle in TV-land.  There can be no other true contender, just as Oscar has no peer, only prestigious friends like the various guilds and critics’ circles awards—and its rowdy cousin, the Golden Globes, with its mix of television and film prizes, part of what makes it so much fun. Word is the Paley Center, formerly the Museum of Television and Radio, is thinking about handing out its own awards in what a spokesperson said would be a more fun environment, like the Globes, which has been known for some boozy unscripted moments that have gone down in television lore.   Sony Pictures Television president Steve Mosko, who formerly ran the ATAS Foundation, is leading the charge. “We’re in very exploratory stages of setting up awards for excellence on TV, called The Paley Awards,” a Paley Center spokeswoman told The New York Post. “We’re not envisioning it as competition for any other existing awards. That’s not part of our agenda.”  Notwithstanding the prestige level of the Paley Center, which puts on various television festivals and events featuring top shows and broadcast and cable movers and shakers at locations in New York and Los Angeles, there’s an indication that there would be a bit of a People’s Choice element to the awards show, along with an industry insider component. Any one of a number of hosting candidates—Jon Stewart, Ellen DeGeneres, Steven Colbert and gulp, David Letterman, could be a fit. And if Ricky Gervais knocks it out of the park when he hosts the upcoming Globes, he could soon have another gig lined up.
 

Just about when I got done chuckling about “Saturday Night Live’s” opening sketch spoofing the Salahis continually interrupting a presidential speech to take even more photos of themselves, a mini controversy breaks out on the heels of a major scandal.

Seems that some people are offended by the sketch depicting Tiger Woods holding a series of news conferences, while his wife, Elin Nordegren, looks on (click here to see it). A caricature Wolf Blitzer on CNN keeps tossing back to the scene as Tiger, channeled by Keenan Thompson, gets continually hospitalized and increasingly more injured and ends up with a golf club around his head and holding up papers saying “I’m scared,” “she is strong.” and “help me.” “SNL” host Blake Lively plays Nordegren.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is not laughing, and its executive director said the show made a mockery of abuse, and that she hopes “SNL” refrains from using this kind of skit in the future, because it diminishes people’s support for victims of domestic violence. Um, probably not so much. ?

Others have complained that the subject matter should have been off limits because that night’s musical guest was Rihanna, who suffered severe physical abuse early this year at the hands of her ex-boyfriend, Chris Brown.

These viewpoints mirror a disturbing trend on television towards skewed political correctness and attempts at censorship. A recent case in point: the CBS “Early Show” digitizing the video of Adam Lambert kissing a male bandmate during his grantedly controversial AMA performance as if it was some kind of porn –while in the next moment running the 2003 girl-on-girl kiss between Madonna and Britney Spears.

While CBS may worry about offending its early morning audience, here’s a news flash: “SNL” is a late-night comedy show.

Does it need to be tasteful? Absolutely not. Does it strive to be funny? Of course. Should it tailor its humor so as not to potentially offend the night’s musical guest? No. Are some people going to be rubbed the wrong way by its skits or impersonations? Sure. Those people are not “SNL’s” target audience.

For those watching or not, in all likelihood, no one is actually in favor of minimizing the tragedy of domestic violence–except those who perpetrate it. No sane person would find anything about physical abuse remotely amusing.

Instead of what some have interpreted as making fun of victims of domestic violence, the Tiger Woods sketch could be read as being about a man who had been caught cheating on his justifiably angry wife, and his lame attempts to make amends. And this was even before tabloid news broke of even more women who claimed to have had affairs with the mega-millionaire golfer. He’s in much hotter water now.

In addition to all the late-night ribbing, it’s easy to predict another hysterical “SNL” sketch as long as the Tiger Woods story is big news. The Salahis probably aren’t going away for awhile, either.

Thanks, Lorne and cast. This season couldn’t possibly top last year’s biting campaign brilliance. But the laughs do keep on coming.

On a night when many people were consumed with the tabloid-y coverage of the Tiger Woods infidelity scandal, it was a pleasure to honor authors, artists and writers whose work often represents the antithesis of the low road.

PEN USA, an organization dedicated to promoting excellence in writing across all media, handed out its 19th annual awards at the Beverly Hills Hotel Wednesday night.HBO’s beloved defender of the documentary, Sheila Nevins, and Emmy award-winning filmmaker Liz Garbus were handed PEN’s First Amendment Award for HBO’s “Shouting Fire: Stories from the Edge of Free Speech.”         Garbus teamed with her father, noted First Amendment attorney Martin Garbus to examine cases of infringement of free speech, including the case of Colorado professor Ward Churchill, who made some–shall we say–unpopular statements after 9/11 by blaming the 2001 terrorist attacks on US foreign policy.  He was dismissed from his job but later won an appeal of wrongful termination.

On the whole, the doc looks at the balancing act between protecting civil liberties and national security in a post-9/11 world, and asks whether all speech is equally “protected.” Screenwriter Dustin Lance Black won a PEN for his screenplay of “Milk,” and favorite Los Angeles Times columnist Steve Lopez took home a glass trophy for his book “The Soloist,” upon which the recent film was made. In accepting the award, Lopez revealed he is still actively involved with the soloist, formerly homeless musician William Ayres, who will be releasing a CD soon—with Lopez’s help.     Legendary crime writer Elmore Leonard, author of such acclaimed works as “Get Shorty,” “Out of Sight” and “Jackie Brown,” accepted the lifetime achievement award from equally legendary film producer Walter Mirisch, and later signed copies of his short, sweet and to-the-point book, “Elmore Leonard’s 10 Rules of Writing.” It contains these duly-noted lessons to write by: Keep your exclamation points under control. Avoid prologues. Don’t go into great detail describing places and things. Never use the words “suddenly” or “all hell broke loose.” But Mr. Leonard, how else could you describe what just happened to Tiger Woods?

The plot thickens in the case of Michaele and Tareq Salahi, the now infamous White House state dinner party crashers who made their first television appearance on “The Today Show” Tuesday morning.

The Salahis, a social-climbing couple who reportedly are having serious financial difficulties, told Matt Lauer they were not getting paid for their appearance—after the Associated Press reported they were asking for six-figure deals for an interview.  

They abruptly cancelled an appearance on “Larry King Live,” and there’s speculation that a Bravo contract they signed restricted them to NBC—hence the Lauer interview.

Media whores, shameless fame-seekers. Whatever you want to call them, the Salahis have achieved their goal of attracting worldwide attention for their stunt, which called into serious question the Secret Service’s ability to protect the leader of the free world and other national and world leaders from harm.Yet during the interview, they blamed the media for ruining their lives. “Our lives have been destroyed, everything we’ve worked for, Matt,” Michaele Salahi said. “For me, 44 years, just destroyed.” Her husband declared: “This has been the most devastating thing that’s ever happened to us. We’re greatly saddened by all the circumstances that have been involved in portraying my wife and I as party crashers. I can tell you we did not party crash the White House.”

The White House insists they did, leaving many questions on the table, beginning with exactly how the couple was able to obtain access to the event honoring India’s prime minister without being on the guest list. Tall blonde in a see-through sari, anyone?

Normally, a member of the White House social office would be present to oversee the first guest check point, but somehow, reversing protocol, that did not happen. So the Salahis are under investigation for lying to a federal official to get into the dinner. Even before the “Today” spot, they claim they were invited, at least to the cocktail portion of the evening, via a connection with a Pentagon official who has denied their claim, saying she told them they should not come to the event.

In a statement released by the White House, Michele S. Jones, special assistant to the Secretary of Defense said: “I specifically stated that they did not have tickets and in fact that I did not have the authority to authorize attendance, admittance or access to any part of the evening’s activities. Even though I informed them of this, they still decided to come.”

Here’s what the Salahis have been official invited to: the House Homeland Security Committee’s hearing Thursday about the incident. So has the Secret Service. The couple says they have already turned over documentation that they were in fact, invited to the dinner.

They’re also denying reports that they recently crashed another high-profile DC event, the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation Awards dinner on Sept. 26 at which Obama spoke—and from which they were apparently kicked out after they sat at a table reserved for donors. The Salahis attribute that account to a gossip column.    In their quest to become cast members of Bravo’s “Real Housewives of D.C.,” cameras filmed their preparations for their big night on the town—where they photogenically glad-handed the likes of Rahm Emanuel, Joe Biden, DC mayor Adrian Fenty, Katie Couric, Robin Roberts and the president himself. Yikes.  Within hours, Michaele posted photos on her Facebook account, most showing her closely wrapped around the men she posed with. She initially spelled Emanuel’s first name as “Ron,” before being corrected, and referred to the US White House. There are nearly 2,000 comments, mostly from haters.

Shameless self-promotion is a way of life in Hollywood, and in DC, as is crashing high-profile events, but these wannabes have taken it to a new low. Unless, of course, they somehow prove their case.

If not, it would be a crying shame if Bravo bought into the Sleazys, oops, the Salahis’ game and furthered their ill-gotten “fame,” but it looks like the cabler won’t be able to resist—as the smart money says they’re a lock for “Real Housewives.”  

So, I got smashed through the turnstile and pulled on board, pretty willingly. After admittedly missing the entire American Idol season in which he took second place–and thus never having seen him perform–it was hard to avoid all the publicity about Adam Lambert, especially his much-hyped performance at the AMAs to promote his freshly minted debut album, “For Your Entertainment.”

And that’s exactly what I was hoping for. Maybe, even, to fall in love with the song, like I did when Jay-Z and Alicia Keys performed “Empire State of Mind” at the VMAs and then again, more polished this time, without the freaky chick jumping onstage, at the AMAs.

All roads at the AMAs, which was stacked with great performers, led to Adam, and the capper performance of the night. Like, what? This song sucked. Forget about the S&M and fetish-y elements–it just wasn’t entertaining. And being on the West Coast, the already infamous man-on-man kiss was cut, as well as the face in crotch bit. Or maybe I looked away from the spectacle and somehow missed that. But I couldn’t help but thinking: if this was Madonna in her heyday, none of this would be any big deal. Or, if it was any one of a number of female performers pushing the envelope on stage.

So I felt bad for Adam when ABC suddenly decided to delete him and his act from Good Morning America. A spokesperson for the network said something to the effect of it was just too early in the morning for his brand of performance. And that they’d gotten 1,500 complaints about his AMA act. An instant later, sensing a great PR opportunity as well as a timely ratings grab, CBS picked him up for its morning show.

Despite the fact that I’m leaning towards hating this song, I’m fully supporting Lambert against the discriminatory, hypocritical network brass that axed him. And I hope his new album sells millions, even though I won’t be among the buyers.

It was Janet Jackson’s turn to shine, and the pop megastar obviously put a lot of thought into who she would spill to in her first televised interview since the tragic death of her brother Michael nearly five months ago.

That’s why it was such a jarring experience to watch her Wednesday night on  ABC’s “In the Spotlight with Robin Roberts.” Ms. Jackson was classy, revealing, charming, honest—even as Roberts lobbed cringe-worthy questions like “What’s your favorite body part?” and more probing ones on her current romantic status.The timing of the big-time get was no accident. Jackson’s new album was released the day before, she’s kicking off the American Music Awards Sunday night on ABC, and a “sneak peek” at her new video closed out the show. The program offered viewers a tantalizing view of Jackson’s Malibu home, and was non-linear at best, flying around from topics like Jackson’s early days as a television actress in shows like “Good Times” to her secret marriage to Rene Elizondo to whether she’d ever met Dr. Conrad Murray. Segments were punctuated by a smarmy announcer—better suited to a show like “True Hollywood Stories” reading inane copy like “Next: losing her brother, but finding herself.”After showing Roberts a display of family photographs — including one of Michael and his children shortly before he died — Jackson admitted almost off the top that she often smiles as a protective mechanism.  And despite the serious nature of most of the interview, she was true to her word, flashing a mesmerizing grin throughout the show.Jackson herself—dressed in a conservative cream-colored dress and glittering geometric gold earrings, was riveting, mainly because she’s purposefully and wisely kept herself scarce.  Yet there was little new information. She was in New York when she got the fateful call about Michael collapsing.  She didn’t leave town right away, not knowing how serious it was.  He used to call her “Dunk.” She called him Mike.But just when things were starting to get insightful, as when she revealed that her father ordered her not to call him Daddy when she was a very young girl, that he forced her to drop acting for singing or that she didn’t celebrate a birthday until she was 23 years old, Roberts’ (or the editor’s) apparent ADD would kick in and the subject would be changed.Maybe this wasn’t really an ABC News production, as it was long on assumptions and short on facts—and there was heavy emphasis on Jackson’s weight issues that she seems to have struggled with since childhood, yet no discussion of how she’s managed to always get back in center-stage shape. Roberts inquired about her “booty,” and Jackson revealed that former long-time record producer boyfriend Jermaine Dupri made her feel very comfortable in her own skin, leaving viewers to draw their own conclusions after Roberts elicited they were actually no longer together—even after Jackson admitted that she adored him and “loved him to death.”  

There was a mention made of Jackson’s quickie first marriage at age 18 to singer James DeBarge in order to escape her family and that it ended because of his drug abuse, which was rather defamatorily equated with Michael’s—without any other information. Quick sound bites, but no details, on how the family tried to stage interventions with Michael—increasing the amorphous haze around that part of Jackson’s legacy, in contrast to his on-point performances in “This is It,” which his sister said is too painful for her to see.  

MJ fans were no doubt disappointed not to hear more substantive discussion about Janet’s relationship with her older brother—although there were many adorable old photos and video clips of the two together. Still, her grief was palpable, as was her anger at Murray and her reaction to the fact that her brother died from an overdose of Propofol. “Serious, heavy. None of us knew,” she said of his usage of the intravenous hospital anesthetic.

Take her grief out of the equation and despite her strict upbringing, the rocky love life, the struggles with body image, the interview proved there’s no reason to pity Janet Jackson. To paraphrase a notorious Joe Jackson comment about Michael, she’s smiling all the way to the bank.  .

Update: The Larimer County, CO sheriff says the whole thing was a hoax to land a reality show. Surprise! The Heene (weiny) adults will be charged with felony counts for disrupting air traffic in Denver due to the stunt.

Much as I try, can’t escape the news about these Colorado balloon people and their stupid antics that have hijacked headlines for the past few days. Call me cold, but when I very first heard about this story—balloon lands without 6-year old kid aboard!—my first reaction was laughter. Why? Because it just seemed incredibly stupidly bogus from the very beginning. Not meeting the smell test of my news nose, which through years of experience, can sniff through a lot of stuff.

Working in Hollywood, I’m used to working with media whores, and frankly, I’m not necessarily using that term pejoratively. Most of the media whores I know have something real and valuable to offer. They’re just overly aggressive in promoting their agendas, getting airtime and getting in as many publications as possible to feed their large egos, or their insecurity. No matter. There’s still something real going on.

But one thing I can’t tolerate is BS crap, and that’s exactly what this Heene family is full of. The couple was on “Wife Swap” and the man was a wannabe actor who skipped out on a $6,000 debt to his landlord in LA before skipping town, according to LA Times. Sounds like that was a lot of unpaid rental months. And he was out here pitching shows about the family. But then the kid–and I almost feel sorry for him–spilled the beans between apparently vomiting on a couple of national shows saying the dad pulled the stunt FOR a show. Not to mention that he called a local TV station before calling 911. And the whole thing about a kid hiding in an attic for 3-5 hours because he thought his dad was mad at him? No, I think the dad told him to do it.

Here’s hoping these people go away soon, because they’re as nausea-producing as the Gosselins or Speidi. A trainwreck Lindsay Lohan in court looking years older than she is–now that’s worthy of some unfettered attention.

Dear Dave,

As a female viewer of your show and an admirer of your comedic talents, yes, you owe me an apology and yes, you gave me—and all your viewers, your staff and most importantly, your wife—one on the air Monday night.

But Dave, I expected so much more from you. I consider you highly intelligent—if a bit curmudgeonly, extremely cynical and the type who definitely holds a grudge—but you seem to think my IQ level is in the low double digits. How else to explain that you “had no idea.” that the “women” (hmmm, how many is that?) that you bragged, yes, bragged, that you had sex with would not come under intense scrutiny?

You, yourself, in a successful attempt at humor, called out some famous philanderers that have provided you (and every other comic) with tons of material: Bill Clinton, Elliot Spitzer and Mr. Appalachian Trail South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford.

Let’s think back for a moment. No, no one wondered what Monica Lewinsky looked like, much less of what she had to say, right? I vaguely recall a HUGELY rated Barbara Walters special that starred Ms. Lewinsky in all of her post-presidential, post-intern glory. Ring a bell?

Ashley Dupree? Was that her name? Whatever. No, no one was really interested in the Governor of New York’s interstate booty call. While she didn’t have a long shelf life, you must have a really short memory, Dave, being up on the news and newsmakers as you have to be to get fodder for your show every night.

So, you just couldn’t imagine that these women who worked on your show and slept with you might be violated by your actions. Much less your wife, who was before your holy matrimony and as the mother of your child, your ultra-longtime girlfriend—whom you cheated on.

Let’s go back to your original announcement of this scandal that—I’m sorry, Dave—is really not going away anytime soon. It’s just too juicy of a story. You’re an older, powerful, very rich, successful, now-married man and father of a young child who was sleeping with young women in your employ. People are interested.

You masterfully told a story in which you deflected nearly the entire focus onto your blackmailer without taking any responsibility for your actions whatsoever—much less issuing any sort of apology. Again, you bragged about having sex with the women, in an arrogant way, actually, like it was your right. And then capping it off by saying that you weren’t going to say anything more. Period, end of story.

My, how quickly that changed. Let’s not even mention your $30 million salary and/or when your contract is up, or all the ad revenue you bring to CBS. Yes, Dave, you are a very valuable personage. And although you, most of your viewers, me, and most of the people reading this would most likely be classified as liberal, America is still a Puritanical country and it flies in the face of most people’s values to boast about your extra-curricular sexual escapades when you’re in a committed relationship. Recent case in point: that goofball California legislator who told sex stories over an open mike. Most people still don’t cotton to it. And that guy had to give up his job. I’m sorry, Dave. That’s just the way it is in these United States.

Dave, I’m not minimizing how scary it must have been to find that threatening packet in your car, with what, the former fling’s diary, some steamy e-mails, some photos? But maybe you’re also pretty scary to the women who work for you. Even if they’re secretly thrilled at your attentions, physically and otherwise.

You said in reference to hurting your wife that you have your work cut out for you in saving your marriage. And that is certainly true. But I’d say you have a pretty good chance of keeping her, since the odds show that most women stay with their rich, powerful husbands who cheat on them. Think Mrs. Clinton. Think Mrs. Spitzer. Think that new CBS show with Chris Noth and Julianna Margulies.

But maybe you can start a new chapter and your Midwestern guilt will actually kick in. Maybe you can keep your Worldwide Pants zipped at the office. Just because your production company doesn’t have a clause stating that it’s not cool to have sex with subordinates … well, Dave, it’s really just not kosher.

But if it ever comes out that Jon Stewart is cheating on his wife and sleeping with his staff — I’ll absolutely have a heart attack.